


The Heart Decides

by sheepmint



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bottom Kim Jongin | Kai, Emotional Sex, Ex Sex, Exes, Exes with Benefits, M/M, Miscommunication, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Top Oh Sehun, Well it is now, a little plot, a lot of feelings uwu, ex partners, is that even a thing, they like to make things complicated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-25 19:25:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17127305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheepmint/pseuds/sheepmint
Summary: When it comes to Jongin, it was always Sehun's heart that decides.





	1. Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So this is the first thing I've written in like...3 years so if it's terrible i'm sorry (⸝⸝*-*⸝⸝) This was the first idea that came to mind when I thought about getting into writing again and here we are, so! Enjoy (if possible)
> 
> Also this isn't beta read and its super late at night so sorry for any mistakes!

_‘are you free?’_

Sehun stares at the text until his vision goes blurry; eyebrows torn from shooting up towards his hairline in bewilderment or scrunching down into a frown. He doesn’t have time to think of a response before his phone vibrates with another message.

 _‘please’_ is all it reads, and Sehun sighs.

He sits up on his couch, moving the Chinese takeaway box wedged between his arm a little too hastily onto the coffee table, sending the TV remote to the floor with a clatter. Sehun runs a hand through his hair as he stares at his phone, eyes flicking from the curt messages to the contact name at the top, _‘J’_.

Sehun scrolls up the chat. The new messages were near identical to each of the others; never anything more than a _‘are you busy?’_ or a _‘please come over’_. And undoubtably, Sehun’s replies were always the same — _‘Of course.’_

The last time Jongin had texted was around five months ago, according to the date beside his past message. Jongin is a man of routine. Usually, he only leaves a month in-between each of his inquires, his pleas to have Sehun come over. Which is why this particular, late text leaves Sehun baffled.

Once hitting the two-month mark without a single text from the other, Sehun had concluded their midnight escapades had come to an end. Sehun would be lying if he said he wasn’t hurt. The pain that inhabited his chest exhausted him physically, to the point where his friends grew concerned. Sehun had brushed them off with a fake smile and assurances that he was fine in the hopes they’d stop asking questions.

Because Sehun knew his and Jongin’s flings were nonsensical. Because he knew his heart shouldn’t ache for something that should have stopped before it had even started.

Sehun huffs as his fingers hover over the keyboard on his phone. There’s a hundred responses racing through his mind but all of them are just wrong. He knows, deep down, this will not benefit either of them when morning comes, he knows this. The voice in his head screams at him to dismiss Jongin’s plea, to make up an excuse— anything to not get himself wrapped up in something - _someone_ \- he’d managed to live without for months now.

But no matter how much he wants to, Sehun _can’t_.

He curses at himself the entire time he types out his response.

 _‘Of course.’_ Sehun grits his teeth. _‘Are you still at your apartment?’_ He adds as an afterthought. Jongin replies within seconds.

 _‘Yes’_ Is all he says.

Sehun stands and shoves his phone in his pocket before marching for bathroom. He speedily brushes his teeth and gives his face a quick wash, patting it dry with a towel before looking at himself in the mirror. Sehun purses his lips at his reflection. He looks as tired as he feels, the bags under his eyes heavy. His appearance alone gives him a good enough reason to not go through with this, to not add to the pain he’ll inevitably feel the minute he opens that door.

But he ignores it, grabbing his hooded jacket from the back of the door and exiting the bathroom with a slam. He grabs his wallet from the kitchen counter as he stalks passed into the hall where he shoves on a pair of old trainers. He hesitates when he grabs the door handle, the voice in his head chanting _don’t do it_ ceaselessly.

The need he feels in his chest is enough to dismiss his second-guessing. He shakes his head and pulls the door open. With a final glance around his apartment, he leaves, locking the door behind him.

 

 

The commute to Jongin’s apartment gives him too much time to think. It gives him too much time to dwell on his foolishness and how this situation could have easily been avoided had he just simply told the other no. The voice in his head almost demands to know why he didn’t. But Sehun doesn’t have a set answer.

He looks out the window. It’s raining, hard. Rain drops pelt the windows in a timely manner as thunder rumbles lowly in the distance. The bus squeaks to a stop as more people clamber on, their coats drenched and umbrellas shaking water in all directions as they put them down.

 _He picked just the right kind of night to text,_ Sehun thinks.

Sehun finds himself staring at Jongin’s text again as the bus begins moving once more, his eyebrows furrowing as he re-reads the dates beside the most recent messages and the ones before. The more he thinks about the time difference, the more perplexed he becomes. Why would Jongin wait five whole months before texting again? Furthermore, why would he wait so long and then act as though that gap in time didn’t exist? If Sehun didn’t know better, he’d think Jongin didn’t feel the way he does.

Not that Sehun should care, that nagging voice reminds him, because he _shouldn’t_ care. But dammit, he can’t deny that a part of him does. He’s curious to know what could have happened to make Jongin break routine.

 _A new boyfriend,_ rings in Sehun’s mind. He can’t help the pang of jealousy that shoots through his chest at the thought, and he curses himself for it. Though that’s the only logical explanation he an conjure up. Unless Jongin really was doing what Sehun told _himself_ he should be doing — putting a stop to all of this. Perhaps the lack of whatever _this_ is, broke Jongin’s silence.

Sehun dismisses his thoughts as his stop draws near, trying to think of anything but the person he’s about to see after five months of zero communication. It proves a futile task, as Sehun thinks of nothing but Jongin as he gets off the bus and begins the short work to the latter’s apartment. It only gets worse as his apartment complex comes into view through the thick sheets of rain. Thunder continues to rumble from above; pretty much setting the scene before he even enters the building. Sehun pulls his hood tighter over his head before jogging towards the entrance.

Anxiety seeps into his chest and he watches the elevator numbers increase, crawling closer to Jongin’s floor. He holds his (drenched) jacket over his arm, hands fisting into the material to stop him from fidgeting, a known habit of his whenever he becomes nervous. It doesn’t stop him from bouncing his leg though, the heel of his foot sounding a small _thud_ with each tap.

The elevator ding makes him flinch a little. He brushes past the doors as they open with a slide, pacing down the hall until he reaches his destination.

163\. The door number is not the same faded blue as it had been the last time Sehun stopped by. It’s now a bright red, freshly painted by looks of it. After clearing whatever lodged itself in his throat, Sehun reaches for the door handle. He’s unsurprised to find it already open. It always is.

Sehun enters quietly, shutting the door behind him with a soft click before toeing off his wet shoes. He takes off his socks and places them on the radiator in the hall. He hangs his coat on the wall beside the abundance of Jongin’s coats and jackets before heading towards the living area.

Jongin’s apartment is dim. One lamp is on in the corner of the room and it drowns the room in an almost blurred glow. The place looks about the same as it did the last time he visited, save for a new coffee table in the centre of the room. The TV is on but there’s no sound. The light it casts is almost blinding in a space so gloomy.

The mere familiarity of Jongin’s apartment manages to calm Sehun’s nerves slightly. It’s worrying just how comfortable he feels here.

His eye’s fall to the couch and he can’t stop the pained tug on his heart.

Jongin sits with his legs slightly ajar, his chin to his chest and phone in hand on his lap. He’s in a pair of joggers and an oversized t-shirt that threatens to slip off of his shoulder. Sehun can’t see his face from this angle, and he feels both fortunate and unfortunate because of it.

A few beats pass and Jongin does not move. Sehun knows that he’s aware of his presence, he’s just waiting for Sehun to make the first move.

With a mental push, Sehun reaches down slowly, taking Jongin’s phone from his grip. Jongin doesn’t stop him, but his eyes follow Sehun’s hand as he places his phone on the coffee table. When Sehun makes no further movements, Jongin finally looks up at him, and Sehun stills.

He looks the same, just tired. Just like Sehun himself. Jongin’s always been a difficult person to read. He’s got an exceptional poker face for when he wants to hide what he’s truly feeling. Sehun sees that he’s doing it now, but his eyes betray him slightly. Jongin can’t put a mask over the sad glint in his eyes, no matter how hard he purses his lips or sets his jaw. Sehun catches that muscle in his jaw twitching, as if Jongin’s willing himself not to speak. _He’s anxious._

Sehun knows there’s a lot of things that go unsaid between them, it’s been that way for a _very_ long time now. It’s always been easier that way. He knows Jongin’s struggle; Sehun too has a million and one thoughts flying through his head as he stares at the other. Thoughts of things he wants to say, conversations he wants to start, questions he needs to ask and apologies he feels he owes. But he doesn’t know how to. And he knows Jongin doesn’t either.

So they don’t speak.

The voice in Sehun’s head is nagging him to break the silence and ask about the elephant in the room — that being the five-month rift in their little arrangement — but the anxiety that prickles under his skin at the thought of Jongin’s answer is enough to keep his mouth shut. Sehun’s tired of thinking. He doesn’t want to think right now.

Jongin doesn’t move as Sehun leans down a second time, slowly taking a seat beside him. He remains still as Sehun places a hand on his thigh, only letting out a small, almost inaudible sigh as Sehun squeezes. Jongin turns his head away from Sehun’s gaze, the proximity apparently too much. Sehun is used to this.

He uses his index finger to turn Jongin’s head towards him again; a light touch, one that’s not too demanding. Jongin turns his head but his eyes are elsewhere, darting from left to right and avoiding Sehun’s altogether. Sehun watches him for a moment or two, waiting to see if Jongin will look at him, but the latter seems adamant on avoiding his eyes.

Jongin licks his lips and Sehun’s eyes flick down at the movement. Sehun doesn’t think twice before leaning in to kiss Jongin.

He only gets so far before Jongin turns his head again. A silent rejection. Sehun pulls back a little to look at Jongin and his expression almost _screams_ conflicted. His lips are scrunched into a slight pout and his eyes have hardened as he stares off to the side, evading Sehun’s eyes.

Sehun tries to kiss him a second time but he’s met with the same response. Jongin was always quite stubborn. Instead, Sehun kisses his jaw. And Jongin allows this. He lets Sehun trail kisses down his neck, lets him kiss that spot behind his ear that (un-admittedly) makes him squirm (which he does, even if only slightly), and lets him lightly bite his earlobe. Sehun pulls the collar of his shirt down to plant kisses along his collarbone and Jongin lets out a breathy sigh. Jongin’s legs begin to twitch under Sehun’s ministrations, his thigh muscles tensing a little under Sehun’s palm. Jongin allows Sehun to move his hand up to his jaw, where Sehun holds his head in place to give him better access as he presses more kisses along the column of Jongin’s throat. Sehun can feel Jongin clenching his jaw with each small nip he gives to his skin. Sehun’s hand soon smooths down Jongin’s chest. He feels different, more toned. Sehun keeps his hand moving down south until it rests just above the other’s waistline.

He's stopped however, when he goes to lift Jongin’s shirt up from the hem. Sehun looks at Jongin in question but the latter just shakes his head. He pushes Sehun back by his shoulder, giving him enough room to stand. Jongin looks at him now there's some distance between them, eyes sharp and jaw now relaxed. He looks less tense than he did when Sehun first arrived. Sehun regards him for a moment before catching on to his implication. He’s so used to Jongin’s ways that he can tell what he wants without the use of words. Sehun sometimes thinks it’s scary just how much he knows him.

Sehun stands to his feet and when he does, Jongin begins walking. Sehun falls in tow behind him, watching as Jongin takes his shirt by the hem before lifting it up and off over his head. His back looks more toned, Sehun notes as he follows his movements. They turn into Jongin’s bedroom, where Jongin throws the shirt into the corner of the room before working off his joggers. Sehun quickly finds out Jongin had forgone wearing any underwear. Jongin’s shy, but not a prude. He makes that clear as he gets on to his bed, laying on his back in all his naked glory.

Jongin lifts his head up and watches Sehun closely, urging him to do something. Sehun swallows slowly. For the umpteenth time, he tells himself he shouldn’t. Reminds himself again that nothing good will come out of this, that he could leave now and that be the end of it.

“Sehun…” Jongin says, so small that Sehun almost missed it.

And he gives in.

He strips himself of his shirt before climbing up onto the bed above Jongin. Sehun looks down at the other in awe. He’s put on more muscle. His abs are a little defined and his chest looks bigger. Sehun traces a hand up the expanse of Jongin’s stomach and he shudders. Sehun continues where he left off in the living area and begins kissing along Jongin’s collarbone. Jongin twitches each time he nips at his skin which only encourages Sehun to do it more. Sehun kisses his way back up the column of his neck, his actions becoming a little more daring as he leaves opened mouthed kisses along Jongin’s skin. Jongin huffs through his nose at the ministrations, but that’s not the reaction Sehun’s after.

Seeing Jongin ever so slowly become undone beneath him is getting to Sehun already. He settles between Jongin’s spread thighs, his elbow helping support his weight so that his other hand can play with Jongin’s nipple. Jongin jumps at the contact, he’s always been sensitive, his nipples in particular. Sehun begins sucking a hickey onto his throat as toys with his nipple, rolling the hardened bud between delicate fingers to drive Jongin mad.

Jongin moans, but cuts himself off. Sehun glances up at him to see he’s pursed his lips together once more, like he refuses to let himself enjoy this. In a way, Sehun can understand.

Sehun leans up when he feels a tug on his jeans. Jongin pulls at material with a look of annoyance on his face and Sehun feels a smile tug at the corner of his mouth. It’s the same look he adorns when he can’t get something right.

Sehun undoes the zip and button and pulls his jeans off, having to stand up and off the bed in order to effectively kick them off. He can hear rustling around as he takes his boxers off, throwing them onto the pile of his clothing by the bottom of the bed. When he looks back at Jongin, he’s holding out a bottle of lube towards him. It’s obvious what he’s asking and Sehun takes the bottle in a silent answer.

Sehun coats his fingers in lube, warming them up beforehand as he knows Jongin doesn’t like being worked open with cold lube. He strokes his hand down Jongin’s thigh with his dry hand and the latter nods in understanding, giving him the ok.

As always, Sehun stretches him thoroughly. He hears Jongin’s small, breathy whines even if he doesn’t think Sehun notices. Sehun adds a second finger after some time, being sure to stroke along Jongin’s thighs all the while, a distraction from any discomfort he might feel. After the second, it doesn’t take long for him to work in a third. He looks at Jongin’s face and can tell he’s starting to let go. His eyes are closed and his lips are slightly ajar, small pants sounding for each time Sehun fucks in with his fingers.

Jongin’s hard now. Cock curved towards his stomach and a dot of precome on the tip. Sehun pulls out his fingers, moving his slicked up hand to Jongin’s cock instead. The reaction is instant as Jongin hisses, leg jerking outwards a little. Sehun starts stroking him and he moans fully this time, no longer holding himself back. Sehun’s own cock becomes almost painfully hard as he watches Jongin begin to writhe beneath him.

He’s _beautiful_ and Sehun’s heart pangs.

Jongin suddenly grabs hold of his hand, stopping his movements. He sighs almost in relief and looks at Sehun, eyes sparkling.

“Too soon.” Is all he says. Sehun blinks.

“What do you want?” He asks. The answer is obvious, but he wants to hear Jongin say it. He hesitates with a pout on his lips. Sehun waits expectantly and Jongin knows he won’t do anything until he voices his desires.

“Want you,” He murmurs after a few moments of silence. “Fuck me.” He finishes. He looks at Sehun with challenge in his eyes.

“No condoms?” Jongin shakes his head.

“Don’t care.” He grunts, sounding impatient, and Sehun doesn’t waste anymore time.

He pushes Jongin’s thighs up, knees knocking into his chest as Sehun lubes himself up. He pushes the tip of his cock against Jongin’s hole and watches how the other clenches. Sehun nudges the head passed the rim he revels in the noise that flies out of Jongin’s mouth. Sehun keeps going, making sure to lean down to distract the other with chaste kisses on his chest until he’s bottomed out.

Jongin’s hands find their way to Sehun’s shoulders, squeezing the skin rhythmically as he adjusts. Sehun grits his teeth in an attempt to keep his hips from twitching as he waits patiently. Sehun can’t lie and say he hadn’t missed this during the time they hadn’t been speaking. The feeling is so familiar that it lights a fire under Sehun’s skin and sends electric charges down his spine.

He feels the old ache in his chest begin to materialise once more as Jongin’s hands move to the sides of his face. When Sehun meets Jongin’s eyes, he’s met with pure lust. Jongin’s lips have parted and his eyelids are heavy, he shifts his hips from beneath Sehun and lets a whimper skitter up and out of his throat. He continues to move his hips until Sehun gets the message.

Sehun moves slowly at first, setting a gentle pace and fucking the other deep. With each push forward, Jongin pushes back, urging Sehun into picking up the rhythm. Sehun does what he wants, finding it hard to deny Jongin of much, especially when he’s under him like this, moaning softly and giving himself completely.

He fucks Jongin faster, pushing his hips down onto the mattress and taking control out of the other’s hands. Jongin moans louder then, eyes fluttering shut as he threads his fingers through Sehun’s hair. A particularly hard thrust causes Jongin to tug on his hair and Sehun groans.

The doubts he had upon arrival soon become clouded by lust, as all Sehun can see, hear and feel is Jongin. How the other pulls on his hair, how he wraps his legs around Sehun’s waist, how he whimpers into Sehun’s ear and how he quietly pleas for more — _‘harder’, ‘faster’,_ and Sehun gives it all to him.

Sehun soon manoeuvres one of Jongin’s legs onto his shoulder, his flexibility still astounding him, and begins thrusting again and the noise Jongin makes almost causes Sehun to lose it on the spot. The new angle makes Jongin _whine_ , and Sehun doesn’t give him chance to adjust to it. His thrusts become relentless, fucking Jongin with whole new purpose and Jongin can barely catch his breath. He pushes and pulls at Sehun’s shoulders, unsure of whether he wants him to stop or continue, his moans and whimpers accompanying the resounding slaps of skin against skin.

It’s not long before Sehun feels a familiar pull at the bottom of his gut. Leaning back up to look at Jongin thoroughly wrecked underneath him only drives him closer towards the edge.

“S-Sehun,” Jongin pants, and his hand comes to cup Sehun’s face.

Sehun leans back down wordlessly and kisses Jongin, and this time he lets him. The act of their lips meeting opens the flood gates. A sob rattles in Sehun’s chest before he has a chance to keep it at bay. His thrusts falter, his hands leaving their place of Jongin’s hips as he goes to hold his face in his hands.

He kisses Jongin like a man starving of air. He knows he looks desperate but he can’t help it, he’s missed him so much it _hurts_ and now he’s got him back in his arms, he doesn’t want to let go.

Sehun’s stupid, so stupid and he _knows_ this, but he can’t help. He really wish that he could.

He hadn’t realised a few tears had fallen down his cheeks until Jongin is pulling back and swiping them away with his thumbs. That sad glint from earlier is back in his eyes and Sehun’s heart is hurting.

Sehun closes his eyes, grasping onto Jongin’s arm that still cups his cheek as he begins thrusting once more, his pace brutal with the intention of bringing them both over the edge.

Jongin comes first, eyes closing and back arching off the bed and his legs shake. He moans as he comes, Sehun catching his name ever so faintly falling off his tongue in-between. Sehun comes not long after, staying inside of Jongin at the latter’s demand and filling him up. He chants Jongin’s name all the while, hips twitching a little when Jongin clenches around his length.

They lay there for several moments, their breathing the only sound filling the room. The position quickly becomes uncomfortable as Sehun becomes soft, so he pushes himself up and pulls out. Jongin winces then makes a slightly disgusted face as he sits up and Sehun’s release dampens the covers beneath him. He throws a scarce look at Sehun before standing up and hurriedly making his way to the bathroom, door shutting softly behind him.

Sehun lets out a sigh once he’s alone. He puts his face in his hands and wills himself to keep back the sob threatening to escape. He shakes his head and stands and pulls his boxers back on.

 _I brought this on myself_ , his mind helpfully supplies. And Sehun feels his shoulders sag under the weight of the truth.

He mindlessly strips Jongin’s bed, more out of habit and the need of a quick distraction than anything else. He hears the bedroom door open and close as he’s putting the duvet in the laundry hamper by the far wall and turns to see Jongin with his hands behind his back. He’s got a pair of boxers on now, and the look on his face is unreadable.

Sehun waits and waits, each passing second becoming more agonising than the last. Jongin takes a couple of steps towards the bottom of his bed before regarding Sehun with slightly pained expression. Sehun concludes that Jongin is waiting for him to make his move and leave, after that, and that’s what he goes to do, ignoring the throb of his heart and the twitch of his tongue that urges him to get answers to all of his questions.

Sehun walks over to his pile of clothes and finds his hand stopped as he reaches down for his shirt. He looks up the arm to see Jongin looking down at him, eyes twinkling.

“Please, stay.” He says softly. Sehun can’t find himself to speak. “Please.” He adds when Sehun doesn’t respond, voice sounding shaky.

Sehun swallows and nods his head, and Jongin’s sigh sounds relieved. Jongin doesn’t let go of his arm as he leans back up. He tugs him back to his bed, one handedly pulling the coverless duvet back and climbing on, and Sehun joins his side. He watches as Jongin pulls the duvet over their bodies, watches him shuffle closer to his side and tenses when Jongin’s arm finds it’s way onto his chest, his head on his shoulder. 

Sehun finds himself speaking before he can stop himself.

“J-. Jongin, I-“ But he’s cut off.

“Tomorrow.” Jongin promises. “We’ll speak.”

Sehun looks down at Jongin to find the other had already closed his eyes. Without thinking, a places a kiss on his head and Jongin makes a soft noise before snuggling closer. Sehun let’s his qualms fade into the background as he closes his eyes, the only thing he can feel is Jongin.


	2. Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm back with part 2! So you should know that I'm a very impatient person, which is why I'm posting this at ass o'clock when I could have done some more thorough checking on it and posted it tomorrow instead :) It's not been beta read so there's probably some mistakes I'm sorry in advance, I'll have to fix these tomorrow *-*
> 
> I'm not as happy as I _could_ be with this addition, but I just hope I explained everything alright lol If it's too dreadful I'll take it back and do some heavy editing but not having it posted was starting to irritate me to high heaven so! (you see my dilemma :/) Anyways I'm gonna shut up now and let you read :)

The morning after finds Sehun in an empty bed.

It takes him a few moments to gather his bearings after he wakes, scrubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm to further urge himself awake. He smooths a hand over the space beside him and frowns when he finds it cool, apparently Jongin had been absent from his side for some time already.

He lays his head back against the pillow and he stares up at the ceiling. The more coherent he becomes, the more he remembers from the night before. There’s a range of emotions making themselves known, but the one he feels at the head of it all is anxiousness. The remembrance of Jongin’s promise only serving to aid in his growing distress.

The thought of speaking after over a year of evading such discussions was a comforting one last night, when Jongin had been sleeping in his arms, but now that he’s alone, he can’t stop the ever-increasing uneasiness he feels prickling under his skin.

Sehun doesn’t do well with confrontation, he never has. He’s always been the type to ignore his issues until he feels like it’s too late to do anything about them; he’ll live with his inner guilt as long as he doesn’t have to face the problem head on. He supposes it’s part of this reason these flings with Jongin had been able to continue for so long. Along with Sehun’s fear of confronting his issues, Jongin can also be stubborn and set in his ways.

After their breakup, Jongin had refused to speak with him. He’d ignored the texts Sehun had sent as well as the ones sent by his friends on Sehun’s behalf. Each inquiry Sehun had made to one of Jongin’s friends had always come back with the same answer, _‘He doesn’t want to talk to you.’_.

The first time they got together after their breakup Jongin had been the same, refusing to talk about what had happened and insisting he just needed some kind of release. Sehun had been so caught up in his emotions that he didn’t even question it. The need to see Jongin again, to be beside him, to hold and kiss him was so overpowering that Sehun had agreed to meeting up, even if it was only for the sole purpose of sleeping together.

Initially, Sehun had tried to kick start a discussion about it, despite his apprehension about the approach. Jongin’s response after Sehun suggested they should speak instead of just fucking out their frustrations was one of annoyance. He shut off entirely at the proposal, which then resulted in him telling Sehun to leave. Sehun didn’t bring it up again after that, even if the voice in his head screamed at him to do so.

As the months went by, the idea of resolving their issue became more and more off-putting until Sehun too found himself ignoring it. It didn’t make the pain or guilt of what happened go away, but as long as Sehun got to see Jongin, that was enough for him.

 

Sehun sighs and wills himself to sit up. He throws the duvet off his body before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. He takes a deep breath. The talk is long overdue, and Sehun knows he’d be stupid to leave it any longer, especially now Jongin finally seems ready to settle things. He uses this as his reason to get off the bed and pull his t-shirt on. He sees Jongin’s joggers and decides to pull them on instead, his jeans too uncomfortable for first thing in the morning. He hesitates for a second as he opens the bedroom door, but doesn’t let it hinder him, shaking his head free of his second guessing and heading out into the hall.

He walks in the living area to find Jongin sitting on the couch. He’s got a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a mug in his hands, the steam spiralling into the air as he stares straight ahead. He seems deep in thought, bottom lip between his teeth and eyebrows slightly furrowed. 

He jumps when Sehun manages to step on a creaky floorboard, the contents of his mug threatening to spill over in the process. Sehun is quick, reaching for the cup and holding it steady to prevent it from doing so. He doesn’t realise until a moment later, that he’s got hold of Jongin’s hand also. Jongin seems to realise this too, a breath almost similar to a gasp leaving his lips as his fingers twitch under Sehun’s grip.

“S-sorry,” Sehun murmurs before dropping his hold, hand falling sheepishly by his side.

“Don’t apolo-.” Jongin starts but then stops himself, eyes flicking from Sehun and back down to his mug. “It’s fine. Um, thanks.” He lifts the mug a little to imply what he’s thankful for and Sehun gives him a stiff nod, pulse thumping in his ears.

A few, silent moments pass before Jongin speaks again, “Come on. Sit.” He flashes Sehun half a smile before directing it downwards at his cup, and Sehun’s aching. It hurts, that Jongin can’t bear to hold his gaze for no more than a few seconds at a time. It hurts even more knowing that he’s the one to blame for it.

He quickly does as Jongin tells him, shuffling between Jongin’s legs and the coffee table before taking a seat on the opposite end of the couch. He crosses his legs and folds his arms to stop himself from fidgeting, nerves making him want twitch. The whole situation is suddenly a lot more daunting now there’s only a couple of feet between them.

He watches Jongin tap his fingers against his mug, watches his lips contort into a small pout, and Sehun can practically see the cogs turning in his head as he sits quietly. The prospect of going a another month, or longer, without seeing or speaking to Jongin is suddenly unsettling for Sehun. And the idea of it stretching to even longer than five months the next time around is something that sparks alarm within him.

It hadn’t dawned on him until now just how much those passing months had drained him. Simply being beside Jongin has elevated his mood, he _feels_ it, even if the weight of their problems hides it from his expression. Sehun’s not sure how one person can have so much of an effect on another, but Jongin manages it. In the three years he’d known the other it had always been the same; without fail he’d manage to ignite a spark in Sehun’s chest that would make his heart soar. It was an addictive feeling, one that had not faded over time, even despite everything that had happened. One that Sehun now realises he should have held onto and not let go.

This time, he listens to the voice in his head telling him to break the silence.

“Meeting you was one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.” Sehun admits, and he sees Jongin’s almost alarmed expression out of the corner of his eye, obviously not have expecting such a statement. Sehun doesn’t let the reaction deter him though. He has things he needs to say and he doesn’t think he’ll have the courage to bring them up again if he stops now.

So he speaks.

“I remember when I first met you, at Junmyeon’s wedding. I remember how shy you were, I think you said about two words to me during that entire first hour I came to sit with you. If it wasn’t for the way you laughed at my jokes, I would have thought you hated me. The only thing that got you speaking was when I asked if you had any pets.

“You became an totally different person when talking about your dogs, back at your parent’s house. You opened up and starting sharing funny stories about your friends and family with me. You were so bright and charming and funny — I’d never really connected with someone like that before. I felt like I’d known you for years…it was a strange feeling, but I couldn’t get enough.

“It took Junmyeon a while to convince me into giving you my number. I was so nervous at the thought of you rejecting me, but when I passed it to you, you took it and smiled and I didn’t shut up about you the entire ride home. I think I drove Jongdae insane, that day.”

Sehun flits his eyes over to Jongin when the other makes a soft sound. Jongin’s looking straight ahead, lips together and fingers fidgeting around his mug. Sehun can’t tell what he’s thinking, but he looks somewhat conflicted. He doesn’t say anything, so Sehun continues.

“I took you to that funfair for our first date. I managed to win you that giant stuffed bear and your face…I’ll never forget it — you looked so _happy_. Your smile instantly became one of my most favourite things about you. I tried to make you laugh for the rest of the night. I even went down that Helter Skelter just to make you smile. I think you were still laughing at my screaming by the time I dropped you back home.

“It was out third date when you kissed me. Your cheeks were red afterwards but you were smiling. I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I was. I got us told off by a waitress in that restaurant for kissing you back. She told us that there were families present and that we should be more considerate of the other customers. We left not long after and held hands on the walk home.

“I introduced you to my friends not long after that. They warmed up to you quickly, as I anticipated, and you introduced me to your friends soon after. Then the introduction to my parents came around, and like everyone else close to me, they loved you. I always told you that you had a subtle charm that drew people in. You never believed me.

“Everything in my life was going so good when we were-. When we were together. After years of not knowing what to do with myself, I finally felt like things began falling into place with you. I can’t list the amount of things you’ve done for me, the amount of things you’ve helped me with. You made me realise aspects about myself that I never even considered before, you pointed out my strongest points and helped me improve where I was lacking.

“The more time I spent with you, the more weight I felt being lifted from my shoulders. You showed me that I didn’t have to carry my burdens alone and that it’s ok to let others in to help. I never thanked you enough for what you’ve done for me, and I know thanking you now won’t mean much to you, after how I hurt you, but I want you to know that I’m thankful for-. For everything.”

Sehun turns his head to find Jongin already looking at him, mug now on the coffee table. Sehun sees that Jongin’s trying to mask his expression again, his lips quiver slightly as though he’s urging himself to speak and Sehun waits patiently, pulse quickening with each passing second and a new wave of anxiety blooming in his chest.

“Why…” Jongin begins, clearing his throat before continuing. “Why are you saying all of this, Sehun?” And Sehun blinks.

“Because I’m sorry.” He says softly, and that twinge in his eye his the only warning he gets before his vision becomes blurry with unshed tears. “Jongin I’m-. I’m so sorry.” Jongin tries to interject but Sehun doesn’t let him. He needs to apologise.

“I messed everything up. It’s all my fault, I know. Everything that happened was because of _me_. I-I ruined the one good thing in my life all because I trusted the lies of a stranger over the words of the person I lov-“ He pauses and takes a breath, refusing to let the sob rattling in his chest make itself known.

“I was so _stupid_. It was so obvious that she was into you— that she was trying to get in between us by telling me those lies about seeing you with someone else. I can’t believe I-. I can’t-“ His breath hitches and Sehun shakes his head, frustrated with himself. “I can’t believe I doubted you, even for a second. You are by far the best person to have walked into my life and I threw it all away because a stranger said you were cheating on me.” Sehun hears himself laugh drily, the sob he’s holding back distorting the sound and Sehun can feel the impending snap fast approaching.

“I was wrong to stand there and accuse you.” Sehun continues. “So, so wrong. You deserved better — _deserve_ better. I don’t expect you to forgive me, Jongin, or even accept any of my apologies, but I just want you to know that from the bottom of my heart that I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

Silence.

Sehun’s hands are shaking. He tries to steady his breathing but to little avail. He feels a weight lifted from his shoulders, everything he had wanted to say to Jongin for months now out in the open, but it doesn’t bring him the relief he thought it would.

The silence of the room is near suffocating. He can’t think of anything else to say, but he can’t cope with the quiet. He feels another bought of anxiety hit him like a tidal wave and the tears are falling before he can put a stop to them.

“Sehun.” Jongin says, but he sounds far away. “Sehun,” He repeats. “Look at me.” Sehun does as he tells him, lifting his head slowly. He startles when he sees Jongin’s eyes are wet, hands fisting the blanket draped over his shoulders.

“I forgive you.” 

Sehun stops. “Wh-? What?”

“I forgive you, Sehun.” Jongin says again and Sehun can’t breathe. He looks at Jongin again, searching for a trace of uncertainty behind his words, but Jongin’s keeping a strong expression. A couple of tears roll down Jongin’s cheeks as he goes to speak again.

“You hurt me.” He says matter-of-factly, and the ache in Sehun’s heart emerges once more. “You know that, right?” He questions and Sehun nods solemnly. “Believe me, I’ve only just forgiven you. As you said, you had no right to accuse me like that, especially not before discussing the situation.” All Sehun can do is nod his head as Jongin takes the lead. He turns his body to face Sehun, the blanket slipping off behind him.

“I had a lot of time to think, during those months I didn’t text you. I mainly thought about putting an end to this thing we keep doing. You know, it started because I missed you, Sehun. Even though you hurt me, I still _missed_ you. I was angry with myself, because I shouldn’t have missed you, not after what happened, but I couldn’t help myself. 

“Each time you came round, I never knew what to say. I thought about bringing it up numerous times, but I ended up so _annoyed_ — so frustrated with the whole situation that I didn’t even want to think about it. I was always so conflicted because of how things ended, but I couldn’t help but miss you being here with me. Asking you over to-. You know. Was easier than asking you round to talk.”

Sehun hangs onto every word, his heart racing at a million miles a minute.

“…Why did you?” Sehun finds himself asking, elaborating when Jongin gives him a puzzled look. “Why did you text me again? If you had thoughts of stopping this?”

Jongin stares at him for a moment, his eyes sparkling as he looks over Sehun’s face.

“You idiot.” He eventually murmurs with a shake of his head. “Because I love you. Because I can’t just forget about you and everything we’ve been through together. I wish could have, a few months ago when I stopped texting, it would have made things easier then. But at the same time, if that would have happened, we wouldn’t be sitting here right now, and I wouldn’t have heard your apology.”

Sehun is rendered speechless. He opens and closes his mouth in an attempt at a response but he can’t find the words. He looks down in shock when Jongin gently holds his hand in his own, thumb stroking along his fingers in a soothing manner.

“We all make mistakes and I believe we all deserve a second chance. You’ve shown that you still care by turning up each time I text you. Honestly, I didn’t know whether you would respond this time, with how long I left it, but the fact that you did, I think, shows that you feel the same as I do. And your apology just proved it even more.”

Sehun takes a few short breaths, wondering just how on earth he was blessed with meeting someone so caring and forgiving, so _loving_. He truly thinks he’s the luckiest person in the world for having Jongin walk into his life.

“I’m sorry,” Sehun says again, voice a little wobbly. “I can’t say it enough-”

“Don’t think you’re off the hook yet,” Jongin interrupts and Sehun blinks at him. “You’ve got a lot more making up to do, but this…This is a start. This talk has been a start.”

“I love you,” Sehun breathes, hand squeezing Jongin’s tightly. “I love you.” He says more definitely and Jongin graces him with a small smile.

It’s not much, but it’s a start.

And Sehun finds himself content with that much.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments/feedback is appreciated! Thank you for reading ♡


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